Attachment Matters: How Your Bond Shapes Your Child’s World

Attachment is more than just a feeling — it’s the invisible thread that ties us to the people we love. It’s a lasting emotional bond that connects us to others across time, distance, and even life stages. Whether it's falling in love, starting a family, or reuniting with someone we’ve missed dearly, these connections bring deep joy, comfort, and meaning to our lives.

 At the heart of parenting, attachment shapes how we raise our children — and how they come to see the world and themselves. Attachment refers to the deep relational bond formed between an infant or young child and their primary caregiver. This early connection, usually established within the first years of life, lays the foundation for a person’s sense of self, overall development, and even the quality of their future relationships. According to Mentally Healthy Schools, this bond has lasting effects that stretch far beyond childhood. Supporting this, Schore (2003) emphasizes that attachment “plays an important role in the development of an infant’s mind and body and directly influences the wiring of the circuits in the infant brain that are responsible for the future social and emotional coping capacities of that individual.” In other words, the way children connect with their caregiver shapes not only their emotional wellbeing but also how their brains grow to manage social and emotional challenges throughout life.

Attachment Types

John Bowlby was the first to present the theory of attachment to the world. He described three types of attachment: secure attachment, insecure-ambivalent attachment, and insecure-avoidant attachment. I will give you a very brief overview of each of them.

Secure attachment is a type of emotional bond in which a child feels safe, protected, and comfortable with a caregiver. When a child’s experience is one of secure attachment, the child may become upset but expects their needs to be met, feels safe with their caregiver, and can self-regulate and calm down.

Insecure-ambivalent attachment is when a child feels insecure in their relationship to their caregiver. At times, they receive a warm, nurturing response, and at other times, the response may be harsh or punitive. The child becomes upset, however they do not know what to expect from their caregiver and may continue to display distress to maintain their caregiver's attention, often without being consciously aware of doing so.

Insecure avoidant-attachment is when a child has difficulty with emotional intimacy and a strong desire for independence, often stemming from experiences where needs for closeness and comfort weren't consistently met. Over time, the child learns that seeking comfort does not result in support, so they suppress their need for closeness and avoid reaching out to their caregiver.

Ainsworth later introduced disorganized attachment for children whose experiences don't fit any other category and are often from high-risk or abusive homes, where caregiver behavior is unpredictable or inconsistent. This creates much stress in the life of the child since they never know what to expect next from their environment as well as their caregiver.

Recent studies have shown that attachment security isn't always set in early childhood—it can change with care and guidance. A child's current quality of care often matters more than past attachment security. I love to let people know that “the rest of their story is unwritten still.” It is never too late to make some changes.

Marti’s Message: God’s Plan for Secure Attachment

I love how psychological research is realizing that doing life the way God intended is way more satisfying than doing it our own way, even though they may not label it as such. God tells us in His word that we are to love Him with our whole heart, and we are to love one another. (Matthew 22:37-39) He calls it the “greatest commandment.” If we love God and love others the way God intends, it will resolve so many issues about our relationship with Him, ourselves, and with others. How can we achieve this for our children amid so many competing influences in today’s culture? The good news is that God gives us a plan for the family. Scripture describes how God created the first family in all of creation with a man and a woman and then gave them children to raise according to His plan. Since He created us, I think it is a good idea to attempt to do things the way He instructs us in the Bible.

Deuteronomy 6, beginning in verse 5 states, “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength.” This is where we begin. Then He tells us in verses 6-8, “These words which I am commanding you today, shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children over and over again. You shall speak of them when you sit in your house and when you walk by the way and when you lie down and when you rise up…” We learn by repetition.

The Scriptures in Psalm 139 also tell us that “we are fearfully and wonderfully made.” Jeremiah 29 verse 11, states that “God has a purpose for our life, and it is for our good, and not for our hurt.” These are just a few examples of what God has to say to our children and even to us.

When a child is brought up in a stable home as Bowlby indicated and we teach these verses and principles to them, they grow up with a sense of self-worth and purpose. They have a secure attachment, not only to their caregivers, but also to the God of the universe who created them. When we attach with God, we find it much easier to develop our own healthy attachments with our children, our family, as well as with others.

So… How Can We Help? Let’s make secure feel simple this school year!

As the new school year begins, it’s the perfect time to think about how these deep emotional bonds influence not just home life, but your child’s experience at school as well. Attachment plays a crucial role in how children feel safe, confident, and ready to learn in new environments. At the upcoming back-to-school event, I’ll be sharing practical insights on how parents and caregivers can nurture secure attachments that help kids thrive both emotionally and academically. Whether you’re a parent, teacher, or caregiver, understanding attachment can make this school year a more connected and successful one for everyone involved. Join us to learn, ask questions, and discover simple ways to strengthen the bonds that support your child’s growth — because every child deserves to feel safe and loved as they step into the classroom!

Join us on August 16th at the St. Johns Moms Back to School Fest

Bounce House, Local Vendors, Food Trucks, Games, Music & More!

There will be a free drawing at our table for a valuable gift bag of self-care items

Saturday, August 16th

11:00 a.m. – 2:00 p.m.

RiverTown II Fields

21 Sequoia Creek Trail

St. Johns, FL 32259

Please bring a donation of school supplies to help support the Boys & Girls Clubs of NE Florida

Sponsored by St. Johns Moms